I've wanted to move for so long... I've had so much resentment for this city and people, but I've always tried to get over it. I haven't gotten over it very well, not to the point of being happy, as I am not. I talk about this to a few people; that there was a time when I was so excited to move. I wanted to live in New York and then Chicago or San Francisco. I always wanted to live in Seattle. Then there was Europe and Canada.
Finally I've chosen Denver. But I'm not like I used to be. I'm not young and hopeful. I'm jaded and cynical and afraid.
Tonight I spoke to my mother about it. She told me to see moving to Denver as a trial, to see how things go there and learn what it's like living away from home. I've decided it's the best place to go, after considering everything.
But I've had three signs in the last 24 hours - during the time this was weighing on me - signs that point to San Francisco. Maybe I will find what I'm looking for in Denver but perhaps not. I feel like it is in San Francisco for sure... but is this just what I'm looking for right now? That will change after all. It always does. I believe there's more than one place - but I don't believe Denver is one of the places, yet. Maybe after I visit Ange.
If I had complete freedom to choose where I wanted to live today, it would not be London, as Martha would like. I can see her resenting me for saying that, since she's offering to move somewhere I want to go... but I don't see it like that. Besides, I don't want to go to Denver. That's not the place I would choose. It will do for now though. It has to. I think.
