Complications

The trip to Colorado was fun, beautiful, hopeful and at times exciting. There were several moments where I had my breath taken away. Driving into Boulder on 36 is a magical experience. As you pass the red dirt and office park outskirts of Denver, weaving closer to the mountains until you are among them, you finally hit the top of that last hill with Boulder below you and you remember you are entering the happiest city in the country.

We spent the majority of our vacation hours in Boulder and the thing that struck me the most about it was how happy everyone there seemed. Yes, people in Boulder have money and education. They aren't so trashy or fat as people in many places. They can smoke weed if they want to and work at Fortune 500 companies (Google is opening a large campus there). They ride bikes everywhere and don't have many chain stores. Their happiness is quite evident and infectious.

My sister could not resist the lure. She says she loves it in Boulder and she'll never move back home. I get it, I really do. But I don't think Boulder is for me. Too small, too posh.

Luckily, we were able to spend a day in Denver, but this is when it started to become clear to me that something was wrong.

First of all, let me say Denver also has many things to like. An extensive light rail and bus system, a massive performing arts center, a real convention center, shops of all kinds, cupcakes, art, architecture, expansion projects, hippies, good vibes, beauty, tax dollars for the arts, and so on. Denver is like many other large cities probably.

Going into this trip, I didn't really think it mattered where I moved, so long as it was a large American city. I guess I had fallen out of love with the idea of moving somewhere for love. Too many disappointments perhaps... trying to be realistic about being somewhere close to home... I'm not sure why I didn't care more where I moved.  So long as it was a large city and Martha and I were together, it didn't really matter to me where that was. Speaking of Martha, she of course wants to be somewhere she truly cares about, but has been willing to settle for something else if need be. Now I'm wondering about it myself...

I don't really see us in Denver, I have to admit. Do I think we could be happy there? Yes I do. But I don't feel that it's right and that has me rather shaken up.

I know we wanted a positive affirmation of the plan, but I'm just being honest about what I felt when I was there. Colorado is very beautiful and in many ways unlike Kansas. Actually, it's quite what I thought it would be. But my desire has changed... I realize we should live somewhere we really want to.

But now what...

The dusty trail

I've wanted to move for so long... I've had so much resentment for this city and people, but I've always tried to get over it. I haven't gotten over it very well, not to the point of being happy, as I am not. I talk about this to a few people; that there was a time when I was so excited to move. I wanted to live in New York and then Chicago or San Francisco. I always wanted to live in Seattle. Then there was Europe and Canada.

Finally I've chosen Denver. But I'm not like I used to be. I'm not young and hopeful. I'm jaded and cynical and afraid.

Tonight I spoke to my mother about it. She told me to see moving to Denver as a trial, to see how things go there and learn what it's like living away from home. I've decided it's the best place to go, after considering everything.

But I've had three signs in the last 24 hours - during the time this was weighing on me - signs that point to San Francisco. Maybe I will find what I'm looking for in Denver but perhaps not. I feel like it is in San Francisco for sure... but is this just what I'm looking for right now? That will change after all. It always does. I believe there's more than one place - but I don't believe Denver is one of the places, yet. Maybe after I visit Ange.

If I had complete freedom to choose where I wanted to live today, it would not be London, as Martha would like. I can see her resenting me for saying that, since she's offering to move somewhere I want to go... but I don't see it like that. Besides, I don't want to go to Denver. That's not the place I would choose. It will do for now though. It has to. I think.

In the spirit of doing, and not just saying

--

UPDATE:

As students, we are quite helpless.  Our vulnerability must be arousing to higher forms of life.  The love affair is mutually beneficial.  After all, the master-student relationship serves student and master both.  And if we are to serve the universe and its beings, we must open our own being to service.  As a planet we may seem far from such ambitions.  Through animal eyes we stare, often with aggression, at what we have created; a world of cities and machines; a society with many opportunities to serve one another but few to serve a worthy master.  Fewer still to serve our higher selves.  In our glaring world of glass and steel and transistors, human beings look like less and less.  What is a person compared to an 80 storey skyscraper?  A tiny molecule of thought.  Even our thoughts are limited compared to the future of computers.  Our vulnerability extends beyond vast cities and intelligent machines.  As individuals, we are hugely insignificant on the scale of stars and planets.  And yet we have powerful concepts of free will and action.  More often we embody the group will, tradition and religion.  Our own will and responsibility we neglect.  Why do we not yet have a concept for galactic will?  Waiting for first contact to establish galactic ethics is a child’s game.  The information needed is already here, brought to us by channels and others.  Should we continue to live not in service of the universe, our galaxy, solar system and planet, all of which made us in order to move and think with consciousness herein?  To be of service on this planet is to serve the wider cosmos we come from.  As students, we may look within to understand compassion for galactic life.  This can be done before mass first contact is made, and is the aim of this book to convey.

--


I have written a short introduction and notes for a book I was mentioning in an email this evening. If they are reading this, or absorbing the message in some more advanced way, then hopefully my alien friends will enjoy the attention given:

As students, we are quite helpless.  Our vulnerability must be intoxicating to higher forms of life.  The love affair is mutually beneficial.  After all, the master-student relationship serves both student and master.  And if we are to serve the universe and its beings, we must open our own being to service.  As a planet, we may seem far from such ambitions.  But we are not so far as we might think.  In this book, we will learn why.

Possible sections/chapters

Terror (of the unknown/alien)

Love/Eros/alien sexuality

Powers within humans vs. aliens

Science and Space

Galactic ethics

Hope for contact

How to interact with other forms of life and overcome boundaries

Why we should really care about ETs

What contact would mean for our planet

What we can do about the situation today

I didn't snog a bloke last night, but here are my thoughts anyways...

It is strange. I've been thinking about how different things were when Martha was here. The more she talks about it, the more I think. It was quite different. Of course we had our time together, but even when we were separate I felt better about life and who I was.

In the meantime, everything's gone haywire. We've both changed in ways. Two years is a long time. I think I have more stable moods now. The medication I took for a few months did probably reintroduce some absent chemicals, which I'm now attempting to carry over. I think it helped... as much as I disliked the side effects, I could see myself taking further medication for a similar period of time in the future - just to realign some energies. Not to overdo it of course, but just until it feels like enough.

But yes, we have changed. We are both wanting a return to things as they were before (obviously without the rednecks). As I have said through other channels, if we keep open to possibilities, I think we can experience even more than we expect. I think with the changes in ourselves and the planet in the past two years, we should really be excited. Of course George will always have an ear for the details of Martha's voyage... there is much in her to repair. Much in both of us. But despite the trials, there is a calm strength burning underneath. How else have we made it this far?

The trick will be to activate those powers. When we discover how to do that, and keep it burning steady, we will really have something. I think we're onto something here, and I don't think we even have to try very hard.

More innocent boys

So my feelings are going topsy turvy again...

Once again I'm falling for the innocent white boys. Hogwash I know, but you can't help who you're attracted to. I think it comes from growing up in country western world, where everyone was white and all the boys had that charm ya know.

This time it's someone I work with. He started the job about a week ago and works directly under me. It's just me and him all day every day. So we're spending 40 hours a week together, alone.

Yesterday I heard that fucking word... girlfriend. I recoiled a little but shrugged it off. Anymore, I don't miss a beat. Today I amused myself by looking him up on facebook and let me tell you... it doesn't get more white than this. Bears may think I'm white, but I don't got shit on Mr. Francis... He's from Manhattan (Manhattan KS that is) and I knew he was sort of a country boy. This is Kansas afterall.

I'm into all colours of penises when it comes to pornography, but the white penises seem to be the only ones in real life... it all depends of course. I've never been real close to any black dudes or mexicans or chinks I was attracted to... not that it couldn't happen. There's something about the white country boy naivete that gets me every time.

I'm not sure what my actual fantasy is. When I picture a relationship with these boys, it's not all goody good. I'm not picturing a happy gay life. And surprisingly - at least this time - I'm not picturing sex. 

Thank god I got laid by that snaggletooth... that calmed me down quite a bit. 

I guess I'm picturing just being a friend to this person... a very close friend. Someone who's like me (and like Martha) who I feel so close to, and can tell everything, and we can lay on a grassy hill together at night and kiss... while we talk about space and other planets.

It's gutwrenching because he is like me... he's quiet and smart. He has a good soul I think. He's quite young. Probably early to mid twenties. Maybe it's not even romantic, but more fraternal. Or maybe it's just starting out that way... and will go from that to love. And if it turns to love, I fear what my fantasies will be. I can already see him in my mind, tied up in a basement or bedroom, as I show him things he never thought he would experience - as I be the FIRST to show him. Being the first is important for some reason. It's like I get to be a teacher... maybe it's paternal rather than fraternal.

...this is sounding more and more like ancient greece. Actually that makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'm trying to recreate something I experienced with a young man in a past life. Perhaps these innocent, white country boys match the attitude and personality of boys I seduced from that period.  Hmmm... seduced is the correct word for what I want to do in this life, with Tyler.        

   

It wasn't the medication

So Martha has yet to explain last week's remarks (actually she did do some explaining previous to my reading the post). She seems to be taking a page from her past and just ignoring the whole thing. I suppose I could have brought it up when we talked on the phone, but I expect people to apologize on their own without prompting.

Not that an apology is necessary. She possibly doesn't think she's said anything wrong. That would be a page of her past as well. I knew to expect this from her... IF she felt she had done nothing wrong, then she would rather avoid discomfort. Even when she knew I was upset. And she never liked to apologize. She feels she is seldom wrong. I think this comes from putting a great deal of care into her words. She doesn't speak or write things that aren't well thought-out. Well, at least she doesn't on important matters. Still, thinking things out doesn't exempt someone from being wrong, or hurting feelings.

And that's the whole matter. It wasn't that she was wrong, but what she said in the post was harmful. Of course I know she didn't intend it to be, although it did come across as callous. She was simply being pragmatic by placing me in a risk category... I am a risk. I can't be trusted apparently. After all, I don't know how many times I've told her things I would do and then not done them.

I'm still angry about how she compared her moving to England to my desire to move to Colorado. As if I was some stupid Wichita person that couldn't even make it to the next closest state.

I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to let it go for now, but after talking with her as if nothing has happened, I had to say something.

I try to be supportive. Supportive and patient. I share those American values with Martha, and she often returns them. Maybe she's been around English people too long. Marium in particular. I understand her desires to be pragmatic and realistic. But to say that your best friend can't be trusted to follow through with one of the most important things in both our lives...

I am still hurting over this. Some would say the truth hurts.. but I don't think we are such as that...

I can't believe it

Today Adryan told me she is moving out. She says she can't stand the landlord, and that she's going to live with a friend. She wants to move out this weekend. I told her we deserved more than 4 days notice and she agreed to wait 30 days. But then she tells me she wants to pay bills at the house for the next 30 days but move out now... I said why would you do that? She seems determined to move out as soon as possible... not sure why.

She also says she's not taking her two cats, and that if I don't adopt them permanently they will go to the humane society. I told her to ask other people she knows if they'll take them.

It was obvious she hadn't even considered Blake and I's situation, staying in the house, having our bills go up. As usual, she just does what she wants, without thinking what will become of others. She still has her freedom, same as always.

I guess we will stay here for now. But what's the point if Blake and I are splitting the bills 50/50... why not find somewhere nicer, closer to Gavin's school. Why not move to Colorado...

What the hell are we still doing here?