Once again I'm falling for the innocent white boys. Hogwash I know, but you can't help who you're attracted to. I think it comes from growing up in country western world, where everyone was white and all the boys had that charm ya know.
This time it's someone I work with. He started the job about a week ago and works directly under me. It's just me and him all day every day. So we're spending 40 hours a week together, alone.
Yesterday I heard that fucking word... girlfriend. I recoiled a little but shrugged it off. Anymore, I don't miss a beat. Today I amused myself by looking him up on facebook and let me tell you... it doesn't get more white than this. Bears may think I'm white, but I don't got shit on Mr. Francis... He's from Manhattan (Manhattan KS that is) and I knew he was sort of a country boy. This is Kansas afterall.
I'm into all colours of penises when it comes to pornography, but the white penises seem to be the only ones in real life... it all depends of course. I've never been real close to any black dudes or mexicans or chinks I was attracted to... not that it couldn't happen. There's something about the white country boy naivete that gets me every time.
I'm not sure what my actual fantasy is. When I picture a relationship with these boys, it's not all goody good. I'm not picturing a happy gay life. And surprisingly - at least this time - I'm not picturing sex.
Thank god I got laid by that snaggletooth... that calmed me down quite a bit.
I guess I'm picturing just being a friend to this person... a very close friend. Someone who's like me (and like Martha) who I feel so close to, and can tell everything, and we can lay on a grassy hill together at night and kiss... while we talk about space and other planets.
It's gutwrenching because he is like me... he's quiet and smart. He has a good soul I think. He's quite young. Probably early to mid twenties. Maybe it's not even romantic, but more fraternal. Or maybe it's just starting out that way... and will go from that to love. And if it turns to love, I fear what my fantasies will be. I can already see him in my mind, tied up in a basement or bedroom, as I show him things he never thought he would experience - as I be the FIRST to show him. Being the first is important for some reason. It's like I get to be a teacher... maybe it's paternal rather than fraternal.
...this is sounding more and more like ancient greece. Actually that makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'm trying to recreate something I experienced with a young man in a past life. Perhaps these innocent, white country boys match the attitude and personality of boys I seduced from that period. Hmmm... seduced is the correct word for what I want to do in this life, with Tyler.
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