Today Adryan told me she is moving out. She says she can't stand the landlord, and that she's going to live with a friend. She wants to move out this weekend. I told her we deserved more than 4 days notice and she agreed to wait 30 days. But then she tells me she wants to pay bills at the house for the next 30 days but move out now... I said why would you do that? She seems determined to move out as soon as possible... not sure why.
She also says she's not taking her two cats, and that if I don't adopt them permanently they will go to the humane society. I told her to ask other people she knows if they'll take them.
It was obvious she hadn't even considered Blake and I's situation, staying in the house, having our bills go up. As usual, she just does what she wants, without thinking what will become of others. She still has her freedom, same as always.
I guess we will stay here for now. But what's the point if Blake and I are splitting the bills 50/50... why not find somewhere nicer, closer to Gavin's school. Why not move to Colorado...
What the hell are we still doing here?
Monday, April 27, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Aliens be damned
This post is devoted to Martha and our relationship. As best I can, I will leave any mention of extraterrestrials out of it (but they are of course invited to process it all the same if they desire).
After reading her last post and talking at length with her this morning, I must respond to the best of my abilities. I wish she were here for us to talk in person.
She seems to have lost faith in old George. Even though I have given her little with which to be faithful, I did not expect that. I suppose my complaints and excuses are getting old.
I do feel ashamed. I never thought I would be the one to incite her wrath of Wichita. What I mean is, I thought she would always take my side, especially while I was still stuck here. That she would continue to sympathize with me no matter what I said. But she has changed for the better. I can see how it must look to her. It's as if now that she's left, she's seeing through the things I say (which are still just as real to me). She says that Colorado is only one state away, as if compared to what she has done it is a trifle to go there. I feel she's comparing the two of us... but that is unfair. Even if she had a million more obstacles in her way than I did, we are still different people on different paths.
She also seems to be getting impatient with me. I know that she just wants to see me being myself, not stuck, in a better place...etc. These problems run very deep for me and are in part spiritual... some go back to my earliest memories.
I do remember saying "I wish I still felt that way," that day in 2010. I encouraged her to never end up like me. I didn't mean that I would never amount to anything, but that I had fallen on hard times, had become very doubtful, and had lost a lot due to my experience in this world. I wanted her to know that I had felt that same way, so that we would have that feeling in common. And I am glad she has used my example to protect herself.
I guess I expected her message to come across differently. She sounds determined to move on with or without me. When I told her she would need to have ambition for both of us, I was speaking in the moment. At that time, I couldn't have been relied on to move us forward in any practical sense. But I never thought that I wouldn't get to that point some day... as I continued to go through therapy and regain my soul.
But much is not regained. Still I appreciate her saying this to me, as it has made me reconsider many things. And I have not bothered to defend myself like this for some time now, so it must have hit a nerve, which is a good sign.
After reading her last post and talking at length with her this morning, I must respond to the best of my abilities. I wish she were here for us to talk in person.
She seems to have lost faith in old George. Even though I have given her little with which to be faithful, I did not expect that. I suppose my complaints and excuses are getting old.
I do feel ashamed. I never thought I would be the one to incite her wrath of Wichita. What I mean is, I thought she would always take my side, especially while I was still stuck here. That she would continue to sympathize with me no matter what I said. But she has changed for the better. I can see how it must look to her. It's as if now that she's left, she's seeing through the things I say (which are still just as real to me). She says that Colorado is only one state away, as if compared to what she has done it is a trifle to go there. I feel she's comparing the two of us... but that is unfair. Even if she had a million more obstacles in her way than I did, we are still different people on different paths.
She also seems to be getting impatient with me. I know that she just wants to see me being myself, not stuck, in a better place...etc. These problems run very deep for me and are in part spiritual... some go back to my earliest memories.
I do remember saying "I wish I still felt that way," that day in 2010. I encouraged her to never end up like me. I didn't mean that I would never amount to anything, but that I had fallen on hard times, had become very doubtful, and had lost a lot due to my experience in this world. I wanted her to know that I had felt that same way, so that we would have that feeling in common. And I am glad she has used my example to protect herself.
I guess I expected her message to come across differently. She sounds determined to move on with or without me. When I told her she would need to have ambition for both of us, I was speaking in the moment. At that time, I couldn't have been relied on to move us forward in any practical sense. But I never thought that I wouldn't get to that point some day... as I continued to go through therapy and regain my soul.
But much is not regained. Still I appreciate her saying this to me, as it has made me reconsider many things. And I have not bothered to defend myself like this for some time now, so it must have hit a nerve, which is a good sign.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Perspectives aren't we all
Before, I said that I believe the mirage is real. Well, it isn't really about belief after all. I mean I don't intend to feel that way. So I don't set out to believe in the mirage. And yet, I live like I do. That makes me wonder, what was the point of nonconformity and going through the whole process, if in the end I would be living like everyone else? How have my actions strayed so far from what I believe?
There are many factors. I can't blame myself...
The recession, student debt, being born and raised in the Midwest, attending a stupid university, rejection, shellshock, neuroses, mental instability, drugs, sexuality, geopolitics, society, etc.
So many teachers in books and in person have told me we make our own choices. But I say, "victims aren't we all..."
I've always felt like so many of my problems are the fault of society, the fault of others. I learned as a child that others couldn't be trusted to accept you, and so I let others change me. But did I really let them? I never gave permission. I really do think it was out of my hands, and in theirs. Free will isn't what people think it is. We are all one, and so many people help make decisions for us. If our experience is largely made up of people that don't accept who we are, and we are one with those people, how (unless we shut them out) can we be expected to accept ourselves? I think this is why I've faced such a conflict - because it is impossible for me to shut out lower humans (or any humans) and yet I have such a high acceptance of myself and evolution. Being one, the two are opposed very violently, very often.
There are a few options. First, I could move away to somewhere more accepting. For a long time this felt like the best solution. For a few years in my twenties I knew that if I left at that time, I really could repair a lot of the damage very quickly. But I also knew that if I didn't leave, that window would pass. And it has...
The second option involves changing others. In college I believed this could work. Since we are all one, then changing others - changing society - will change myself as well. If I open the minds of others, then I can make the world a more accepting place. I could live comfortably in such a place, accepting myself. Now I realize how pointless it is to try changing someone's mind who isn't ready to do so. You can talk endlessly with the best, most eloquent explanations. But if someone isn't receptive to change and evolution, they will understand nothing of what you say. This gets tiring to the point of hopelessness. I've gotten to this point unfortunately. I try to remind myself that it's simply a fact of life.
The third option is probably the best, but I've struggled for many years trying to live by it. It involves changing your own perspective. Of course it sounds so simple. This seems to be easier for some people than it is for others. I'm not really any good at it. I'm too reactive to the environment. I can change my perspective all night long in the comfort of home, but when I enter into public it falls apart so quickly. As I said, I can't shut people out. I can't ignore the feelings of others... their thoughts and narrow attitudes. It screams in my head - a constant white noise that only through years of practice I have learned to dim enough to function in society. But I am never relaxed, never off guard. The low evolution of others plagues my thoughts and feelings every day.
In moments of doubt - of which there are a great many - I think how all of this could be completely random, no reason or purpose to it beyond my brain chemistry and lot in life. Maybe I have some kind of disease that impairs my perspective of the world... while in the past artists benefited from this, I can't seem to make it do anything for me anymore. Faith tells me something else. Faith tells me things are happening for a reason and I gave my permission before I entered this body, and that all will be revealed when the time is right. But that doesn't excuse me from further evolution, from further contemplation on the problems of this world and its people. The question I have is, how long can I keep it up when I see no results? Is it only ego that wants results? Or is it a need of my soul?
Once again, I must state how tired I am. Tired of trying, of working toward something unclear, of getting nothing tangible in return, of waiting patiently, of listening and hearing nothing. How much more can I be expected to endure? And yet, I could endure a thousand more years if I could change my perspective... at that I fail time and time again...
There are many factors. I can't blame myself...
The recession, student debt, being born and raised in the Midwest, attending a stupid university, rejection, shellshock, neuroses, mental instability, drugs, sexuality, geopolitics, society, etc.
So many teachers in books and in person have told me we make our own choices. But I say, "victims aren't we all..."
I've always felt like so many of my problems are the fault of society, the fault of others. I learned as a child that others couldn't be trusted to accept you, and so I let others change me. But did I really let them? I never gave permission. I really do think it was out of my hands, and in theirs. Free will isn't what people think it is. We are all one, and so many people help make decisions for us. If our experience is largely made up of people that don't accept who we are, and we are one with those people, how (unless we shut them out) can we be expected to accept ourselves? I think this is why I've faced such a conflict - because it is impossible for me to shut out lower humans (or any humans) and yet I have such a high acceptance of myself and evolution. Being one, the two are opposed very violently, very often.
There are a few options. First, I could move away to somewhere more accepting. For a long time this felt like the best solution. For a few years in my twenties I knew that if I left at that time, I really could repair a lot of the damage very quickly. But I also knew that if I didn't leave, that window would pass. And it has...
The second option involves changing others. In college I believed this could work. Since we are all one, then changing others - changing society - will change myself as well. If I open the minds of others, then I can make the world a more accepting place. I could live comfortably in such a place, accepting myself. Now I realize how pointless it is to try changing someone's mind who isn't ready to do so. You can talk endlessly with the best, most eloquent explanations. But if someone isn't receptive to change and evolution, they will understand nothing of what you say. This gets tiring to the point of hopelessness. I've gotten to this point unfortunately. I try to remind myself that it's simply a fact of life.
The third option is probably the best, but I've struggled for many years trying to live by it. It involves changing your own perspective. Of course it sounds so simple. This seems to be easier for some people than it is for others. I'm not really any good at it. I'm too reactive to the environment. I can change my perspective all night long in the comfort of home, but when I enter into public it falls apart so quickly. As I said, I can't shut people out. I can't ignore the feelings of others... their thoughts and narrow attitudes. It screams in my head - a constant white noise that only through years of practice I have learned to dim enough to function in society. But I am never relaxed, never off guard. The low evolution of others plagues my thoughts and feelings every day.
In moments of doubt - of which there are a great many - I think how all of this could be completely random, no reason or purpose to it beyond my brain chemistry and lot in life. Maybe I have some kind of disease that impairs my perspective of the world... while in the past artists benefited from this, I can't seem to make it do anything for me anymore. Faith tells me something else. Faith tells me things are happening for a reason and I gave my permission before I entered this body, and that all will be revealed when the time is right. But that doesn't excuse me from further evolution, from further contemplation on the problems of this world and its people. The question I have is, how long can I keep it up when I see no results? Is it only ego that wants results? Or is it a need of my soul?
Once again, I must state how tired I am. Tired of trying, of working toward something unclear, of getting nothing tangible in return, of waiting patiently, of listening and hearing nothing. How much more can I be expected to endure? And yet, I could endure a thousand more years if I could change my perspective... at that I fail time and time again...
Danger in all Directions (or maybe none at all)
Sometimes I wonder what has happened to make myself and Horse so out of touch with our endeavors... why us, I ask. It's like the life has been sucked out. The hopes, dreams, ambition, are all gone. Just gone. How did that happen? We talk about disappointment but there has to be more to it than that. Has to be. Maybe if I accepted there is in fact nothing more to it, it would be easier. But would it be true?
Today I went to see Ex Machina. I loved the music, which reminded me of Cliff Martinez and the movie Solaris. It is a provocative sci-fi thriller that Horse had never heard of. I wonder if it's playing in UK. It was filmed there at Pinewood (and in Norway) after all.
I ended up passing my class A CDL test, which means that I can now drive large vehicles all over the nation. It also means I get to keep my job in this shithole.
There are a few things however I can take away from this job. Let's dwell on those for a spell. First of all, I've earned everything myself. I wasn't hired by a family friend or through some other connection. I was hired off the street and worked as a temporary employee for 6 months at $8 an hour in order to get promoted to full-time with benefits. I've gained gardening and equipment skills and obtained a Kansas Chemical License and a Class A CDL.
I could probably move to another city and work as a gardener in government or at a greenhouse. I like this kind of work, and I'd like my job now if the bosses weren't dicks and manipulators and politicians.
I would say none of this matters, but it does. That frightens me. Am I so out of touch with what I really care about that I can accept these things as what matters? I do like gardening. I have for many years. I don't see why I can't work as a gardener in the meantime... but like I said before, the life's been sucked out. I know it's not the medication, because I felt like this before. But it bothered me before medication. Now it doesn't.
Something is very wrong and I'm so tired of trying to understand it.
Today I went to see Ex Machina. I loved the music, which reminded me of Cliff Martinez and the movie Solaris. It is a provocative sci-fi thriller that Horse had never heard of. I wonder if it's playing in UK. It was filmed there at Pinewood (and in Norway) after all.
I ended up passing my class A CDL test, which means that I can now drive large vehicles all over the nation. It also means I get to keep my job in this shithole.
There are a few things however I can take away from this job. Let's dwell on those for a spell. First of all, I've earned everything myself. I wasn't hired by a family friend or through some other connection. I was hired off the street and worked as a temporary employee for 6 months at $8 an hour in order to get promoted to full-time with benefits. I've gained gardening and equipment skills and obtained a Kansas Chemical License and a Class A CDL.
I could probably move to another city and work as a gardener in government or at a greenhouse. I like this kind of work, and I'd like my job now if the bosses weren't dicks and manipulators and politicians.
I would say none of this matters, but it does. That frightens me. Am I so out of touch with what I really care about that I can accept these things as what matters? I do like gardening. I have for many years. I don't see why I can't work as a gardener in the meantime... but like I said before, the life's been sucked out. I know it's not the medication, because I felt like this before. But it bothered me before medication. Now it doesn't.
Something is very wrong and I'm so tired of trying to understand it.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Reaching...
I said in the previous post that I was keeping secrets from my dear friend Horse. I might have spoken too loosely on that account. For a time I tried to share those secrets: the business of extraterrestrials, the higher worlds, the appearance of angels, the nature of self and of space. But I grew very very tired of explanations. Now I worry that Horse especially thinks I have this fascination with the transcendent, but it does not go beyond that. I could be wrong. The point is, explanations are hardly necessary. You simply let things be, knowing that everyone comes to it on their own... that was a hard lesson for a late 20's art student who wanted to improve this society, but I try to understand now.
I worry about many, many other things. I am probably about to lose my job. What will I do? I have told myself that this is an opportunity to leave Wichita. I have felt something coming this year. Perhaps this is it. Maybe nothing else can get me to leave. Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere else at this time, and this is the only way I will get there.
Who is doing this to me? Today after work I drove across town to the east side. I had to go to the mall... when I got there I saw two military jets flying high in the clouds. There is an air force base nearby, but you don't usually see jets like that directly over town. I pulled over in the parking lot behind jcpenny's and watched the sky. Perhaps they were following a ufo. I sat there 15 minutes waiting for a craft to come out of the clouds. It might sound desperate, but I've been looking in the sky more lately. It's hard to explain. I've been struggling with faith. I asked myself today: if my faith was what I think it is, why would I need a demonstration by extraterrestrials? Of course it's not religious faith. It's more a memory of who I am... that's what I've been struggling with. Believing a memory.
Anyways I've been sending messages, more and more skyward. I want to know who is watching me and waiting to finally speak to me. I want to know what kind of beings they are. Are they the ones that came to my bedroom window when I was 12? I had forgotten about that until recently, but I will explain it now. I was at my window looking at trees mostly. It was probably 5 or 6 pm. The next thing I knew, I was watching a red light lift up from the horizon and move away to the north quite quickly. I had the sensation of time passing, as if I had lost an hour or two. I've read this is common in alien abductions. At the time I told some people about the red light, but I have no memory of any abduction and that was the only time in my life I've seen anything resembling a ufo.
There are many people on this planet who desperately want to connect to the outside universe... the responsible among us anyways.
Fuckface
I worry about many, many other things. I am probably about to lose my job. What will I do? I have told myself that this is an opportunity to leave Wichita. I have felt something coming this year. Perhaps this is it. Maybe nothing else can get me to leave. Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere else at this time, and this is the only way I will get there.
Who is doing this to me? Today after work I drove across town to the east side. I had to go to the mall... when I got there I saw two military jets flying high in the clouds. There is an air force base nearby, but you don't usually see jets like that directly over town. I pulled over in the parking lot behind jcpenny's and watched the sky. Perhaps they were following a ufo. I sat there 15 minutes waiting for a craft to come out of the clouds. It might sound desperate, but I've been looking in the sky more lately. It's hard to explain. I've been struggling with faith. I asked myself today: if my faith was what I think it is, why would I need a demonstration by extraterrestrials? Of course it's not religious faith. It's more a memory of who I am... that's what I've been struggling with. Believing a memory.
Anyways I've been sending messages, more and more skyward. I want to know who is watching me and waiting to finally speak to me. I want to know what kind of beings they are. Are they the ones that came to my bedroom window when I was 12? I had forgotten about that until recently, but I will explain it now. I was at my window looking at trees mostly. It was probably 5 or 6 pm. The next thing I knew, I was watching a red light lift up from the horizon and move away to the north quite quickly. I had the sensation of time passing, as if I had lost an hour or two. I've read this is common in alien abductions. At the time I told some people about the red light, but I have no memory of any abduction and that was the only time in my life I've seen anything resembling a ufo.
There are many people on this planet who desperately want to connect to the outside universe... the responsible among us anyways.
Fuckface
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Introductions
I do not like to think of myself as such an earthling. And neither is my friend, who I will call Horse. If only Horse knew what was inside her, things might be very different. I won't say that she would be surprised. She is intuitive and listens to her thoughts and feelings. But she knows little of Source. I admit, I have kept secrets from her.
More of that later. I have forgotten to mention my second goal here. For you cannot have too many when it comes to nonsensical things such as love and transcendence.
I, Fuckface, have otherworldly goals. They are simply put. In the past I wanted more. But now I want only communication. Let this writing be one more way thoughts leave my head and my computer and be absorbed into the minds of beings from other planets.
Lately I have been mired in the terrestrial habits of a dirty American city. You wouldn't think so by my carefree tone. But I have in fact been letting it get to me for quite some time. I try to be pragmatic and maintain a sense of reality. But this dimension is very unreal. It plays with the senses. And by senses I mean mind, soul, heart.
But I suppose at this stage I would be seizing up wherever I was.
That's because Horse and I have long let outside forces compromise our hopes and dreams. And Horse, if you're reading this, I classify outside forces as much more than dirty cities and brainless english people. That is a simplification we have made too often.
The point is, after living in shellshock for so long we have become paranoid. We can't see clearly anymore. We believe this shit is real but it isn't. It is a mirage of the most dangerous sort.
Only The Imitation Game is real. Nothing, and I mean nothing else matters.
Yours,
Fuckface
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