Sometimes I wonder what has happened to make myself and Horse so out of touch with our endeavors... why us, I ask. It's like the life has been sucked out. The hopes, dreams, ambition, are all gone. Just gone. How did that happen? We talk about disappointment but there has to be more to it than that. Has to be. Maybe if I accepted there is in fact nothing more to it, it would be easier. But would it be true?
Today I went to see Ex Machina. I loved the music, which reminded me of Cliff Martinez and the movie Solaris. It is a provocative sci-fi thriller that Horse had never heard of. I wonder if it's playing in UK. It was filmed there at Pinewood (and in Norway) after all.
I ended up passing my class A CDL test, which means that I can now drive large vehicles all over the nation. It also means I get to keep my job in this shithole.
There are a few things however I can take away from this job. Let's dwell on those for a spell. First of all, I've earned everything myself. I wasn't hired by a family friend or through some other connection. I was hired off the street and worked as a temporary employee for 6 months at $8 an hour in order to get promoted to full-time with benefits. I've gained gardening and equipment skills and obtained a Kansas Chemical License and a Class A CDL.
I could probably move to another city and work as a gardener in government or at a greenhouse. I like this kind of work, and I'd like my job now if the bosses weren't dicks and manipulators and politicians.
I would say none of this matters, but it does. That frightens me. Am I so out of touch with what I really care about that I can accept these things as what matters? I do like gardening. I have for many years. I don't see why I can't work as a gardener in the meantime... but like I said before, the life's been sucked out. I know it's not the medication, because I felt like this before. But it bothered me before medication. Now it doesn't.
Something is very wrong and I'm so tired of trying to understand it.
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