This post is devoted to Martha and our relationship. As best I can, I will leave any mention of extraterrestrials out of it (but they are of course invited to process it all the same if they desire).
After reading her last post and talking at length with her this morning, I must respond to the best of my abilities. I wish she were here for us to talk in person.
She seems to have lost faith in old George. Even though I have given her little with which to be faithful, I did not expect that. I suppose my complaints and excuses are getting old.
I do feel ashamed. I never thought I would be the one to incite her wrath of Wichita. What I mean is, I thought she would always take my side, especially while I was still stuck here. That she would continue to sympathize with me no matter what I said. But she has changed for the better. I can see how it must look to her. It's as if now that she's left, she's seeing through the things I say (which are still just as real to me). She says that Colorado is only one state away, as if compared to what she has done it is a trifle to go there. I feel she's comparing the two of us... but that is unfair. Even if she had a million more obstacles in her way than I did, we are still different people on different paths.
She also seems to be getting impatient with me. I know that she just wants to see me being myself, not stuck, in a better place...etc. These problems run very deep for me and are in part spiritual... some go back to my earliest memories.
I do remember saying "I wish I still felt that way," that day in 2010. I encouraged her to never end up like me. I didn't mean that I would never amount to anything, but that I had fallen on hard times, had become very doubtful, and had lost a lot due to my experience in this world. I wanted her to know that I had felt that same way, so that we would have that feeling in common. And I am glad she has used my example to protect herself.
I guess I expected her message to come across differently. She sounds determined to move on with or without me. When I told her she would need to have ambition for both of us, I was speaking in the moment. At that time, I couldn't have been relied on to move us forward in any practical sense. But I never thought that I wouldn't get to that point some day... as I continued to go through therapy and regain my soul.
But much is not regained. Still I appreciate her saying this to me, as it has made me reconsider many things. And I have not bothered to defend myself like this for some time now, so it must have hit a nerve, which is a good sign.
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