Before, I said that I believe the mirage is real. Well, it isn't really about belief after all. I mean I don't intend to feel that way. So I don't set out to believe in the mirage. And yet, I live like I do. That makes me wonder, what was the point of nonconformity and going through the whole process, if in the end I would be living like everyone else? How have my actions strayed so far from what I believe?
There are many factors. I can't blame myself...
The recession, student debt, being born and raised in the Midwest, attending a stupid university, rejection, shellshock, neuroses, mental instability, drugs, sexuality, geopolitics, society, etc.
So many teachers in books and in person have told me we make our own choices. But I say, "victims aren't we all..."
I've always felt like so many of my problems are the fault of society, the fault of others. I learned as a child that others couldn't be trusted to accept you, and so I let others change me. But did I really let them? I never gave permission. I really do think it was out of my hands, and in theirs. Free will isn't what people think it is. We are all one, and so many people help make decisions for us. If our experience is largely made up of people that don't accept who we are, and we are one with those people, how (unless we shut them out) can we be expected to accept ourselves? I think this is why I've faced such a conflict - because it is impossible for me to shut out lower humans (or any humans) and yet I have such a high acceptance of myself and evolution. Being one, the two are opposed very violently, very often.
There are a few options. First, I could move away to somewhere more accepting. For a long time this felt like the best solution. For a few years in my twenties I knew that if I left at that time, I really could repair a lot of the damage very quickly. But I also knew that if I didn't leave, that window would pass. And it has...
The second option involves changing others. In college I believed this could work. Since we are all one, then changing others - changing society - will change myself as well. If I open the minds of others, then I can make the world a more accepting place. I could live comfortably in such a place, accepting myself. Now I realize how pointless it is to try changing someone's mind who isn't ready to do so. You can talk endlessly with the best, most eloquent explanations. But if someone isn't receptive to change and evolution, they will understand nothing of what you say. This gets tiring to the point of hopelessness. I've gotten to this point unfortunately. I try to remind myself that it's simply a fact of life.
The third option is probably the best, but I've struggled for many years trying to live by it. It involves changing your own perspective. Of course it sounds so simple. This seems to be easier for some people than it is for others. I'm not really any good at it. I'm too reactive to the environment. I can change my perspective all night long in the comfort of home, but when I enter into public it falls apart so quickly. As I said, I can't shut people out. I can't ignore the feelings of others... their thoughts and narrow attitudes. It screams in my head - a constant white noise that only through years of practice I have learned to dim enough to function in society. But I am never relaxed, never off guard. The low evolution of others plagues my thoughts and feelings every day.
In moments of doubt - of which there are a great many - I think how all of this could be completely random, no reason or purpose to it beyond my brain chemistry and lot in life. Maybe I have some kind of disease that impairs my perspective of the world... while in the past artists benefited from this, I can't seem to make it do anything for me anymore. Faith tells me something else. Faith tells me things are happening for a reason and I gave my permission before I entered this body, and that all will be revealed when the time is right. But that doesn't excuse me from further evolution, from further contemplation on the problems of this world and its people. The question I have is, how long can I keep it up when I see no results? Is it only ego that wants results? Or is it a need of my soul?
Once again, I must state how tired I am. Tired of trying, of working toward something unclear, of getting nothing tangible in return, of waiting patiently, of listening and hearing nothing. How much more can I be expected to endure? And yet, I could endure a thousand more years if I could change my perspective... at that I fail time and time again...
No comments:
Post a Comment