Reaching...

I said in the previous post that I was keeping secrets from my dear friend Horse. I might have spoken too loosely on that account. For a time I tried to share those secrets: the business of extraterrestrials, the higher worlds, the appearance of angels, the nature of self and of space. But I grew very very tired of explanations. Now I worry that Horse especially thinks I have this fascination with the transcendent, but it does not go beyond that. I could be wrong. The point is, explanations are hardly necessary. You simply let things be, knowing that everyone comes to it on their own... that was a hard lesson for a late 20's art student who wanted to improve this society, but I try to understand now.

I worry about many, many other things. I am probably about to lose my job. What will I do? I have told myself that this is an opportunity to leave Wichita. I have felt something coming this year. Perhaps this is it. Maybe nothing else can get me to leave. Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere else at this time, and this is the only way I will get there.

Who is doing this to me? Today after work I drove across town to the east side. I had to go to the mall... when I got there I saw two military jets flying high in the clouds. There is an air force base nearby, but you don't usually see jets like that directly over town. I pulled over in the parking lot behind jcpenny's and watched the sky. Perhaps they were following a ufo. I sat there 15 minutes waiting for a craft to come out of the clouds. It might sound desperate, but I've been looking in the sky more lately. It's hard to explain. I've been struggling with faith. I asked myself today: if my faith was what I think it is, why would I need a demonstration by extraterrestrials? Of course it's not religious faith. It's more a memory of who I am... that's what I've been struggling with. Believing a memory.

Anyways I've been sending messages, more and more skyward. I want to know who is watching me and waiting to finally speak to me. I want to know what kind of beings they are. Are they the ones that came to my bedroom window when I was 12? I had forgotten about that until recently, but I will explain it now. I was at my window looking at trees mostly. It was probably 5 or 6 pm. The next thing I knew, I was watching a red light lift up from the horizon and move away to the north quite quickly. I had the sensation of time passing, as if I had lost an hour or two. I've read this is common in alien abductions. At the time I told some people about the red light, but I have no memory of any abduction and that was the only time in my life I've seen anything resembling a ufo.

There are many people on this planet who desperately want to connect to the outside universe... the responsible among us anyways.

Fuckface